Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Well, another overnight call in the hospital....with the pager, surprisingly, behaving and not going off every minute.
Tomorrow night, is my last call night in my whole residency!
And in 2 weeks, I'll move on to a new phase in my life. A fellow dealing with a the big "C" word disease...cancer. I'll be an oncologist.
Maybe that was not the best way to introduce myself to you here.
A girl once asked me: "so, who exactly are you?"
I'm Hashem. I'm 31. And I'm a person with alot alot of uncertainties now, and looking to find myself....in everything around me....from the simple stuff as what food I like, to the deeper, more complicated questions of who am I, and why I am here.
Don't be scared! I won't make you go through this here, as I am sure you are going through enough of this yourself.
I'm here to share a glimpse of who I am, and what goes inside my mind...
In wakefulness, and in sleep.
In my walk on the streets, and in my most deep meditation moments...
In my happiness, and when I'm tearing.
I wanna share with you, some of..."me".
by sharing this, I wish I'll find myself..
what do I want? Where I am going?
I've been forever divided between memories and ghosty pictures of my past, and hopes and dreams for my future,
In a wheel of happiness, and sadness
Feeling temporary, and a stranger wherever I go...
There in Lebanon, where I was born, and raised
And here in Pittsburgh, where my whole life is..but can never call it home!
She asked innocently: "Where is home?"
Home? it's somewhere over the atlantic...
"what do you dream?" she asked again.
Well, lebanese ofcourse. In arabic I mean. And still in color.
I think, and feel in Arabic, but speak in English!
After that girl, I keep asking myself same questions.
It's interesting, yet scary, to see how the answers progressed.
Yes, I felt a stranger while in you my Lebanon....I felt temporary, and ready to leave at any moment.
And day by day, I'm losing my belonging there.
Will I, some day, get it back?
A trip after a trip, the places look more and more different, and I need to stare more to recognize them...
And recognize they aren't the same any more...
although my friends say it's me who is not the same.
I'm not sure what's the difference.