Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Finding myself


Beirut Posted by Picasa

Well, another overnight call in the hospital....with the pager, surprisingly, behaving and not going off every minute.
Tomorrow night, is my last call night in my whole residency!
And in 2 weeks, I'll move on to a new phase in my life. A fellow dealing with a the big "C" word disease...cancer. I'll be an oncologist.
Maybe that was not the best way to introduce myself to you here.
A girl once asked me: "so, who exactly are you?"
I'm Hashem. I'm 31. And I'm a person with alot alot of uncertainties now, and looking to find myself....in everything around me....from the simple stuff as what food I like, to the deeper, more complicated questions of who am I, and why I am here.
Don't be scared! I won't make you go through this here, as I am sure you are going through enough of this yourself.
I'm here to share a glimpse of who I am, and what goes inside my mind...
In wakefulness, and in sleep.
In my walk on the streets, and in my most deep meditation moments...
In my happiness, and when I'm tearing.
I wanna share with you, some of..."me".
by sharing this, I wish I'll find myself..
what do I want? Where I am going?
I've been forever divided between memories and ghosty pictures of my past, and hopes and dreams for my future,
In a wheel of happiness, and sadness
Feeling temporary, and a stranger wherever I go...
There in Lebanon, where I was born, and raised
And here in Pittsburgh, where my whole life is..but can never call it home!
She asked innocently: "Where is home?"
Home? it's somewhere over the atlantic...
"what do you dream?" she asked again.
Well, lebanese ofcourse. In arabic I mean. And still in color.
I think, and feel in Arabic, but speak in English!
After that girl, I keep asking myself same questions.
It's interesting, yet scary, to see how the answers progressed.
Yes, I felt a stranger while in you my Lebanon....I felt temporary, and ready to leave at any moment.
And day by day, I'm losing my belonging there.
Will I, some day, get it back?
A trip after a trip, the places look more and more different, and I need to stare more to recognize them...
And recognize they aren't the same any more...
although my friends say it's me who is not the same.
I'm not sure what's the difference.

4 comments:

Coco said...

Alf Mabrouk for finishing your residency and starting a new page in your professional life.

"Home is where the heart is" they say. I actually think that for us, Lebanese expats, "Home is IN your heart", as the features of what we knew as "Home" once is vanishing slowly.

I'm a month away from visiting "Home" after 10 years of separation and I fear not finding "Home", so I'm kinda preparing myself for the worst. Honestly, our phone conversations all this time helped me keep focused and hopefully my 2-week stay at "Home" won't create disappointment to my memories or crash my dreams. I'll let you know upon my return... keep checking my blog :)

Q: Who are you?
A: You're a bright, hard working, good looking, kind hearted, wonderful and sweet man. And if you're not Lebanese, ya Hachem, I don't know who is... Full stop!

By the way, I'll be home tonight if you want to (ab)use the system on your last night of residency lol

AM said...

Aha! so now I know what you guys do all night over there lol ;)

Coco, Hashem, I am going after 2 years of absence (yes, I just counted them and realized it's already 2 years) and I am freaking out, so I am not sure how going back after 10 years would feel like ... anyway, we'll be there together and we'll cheer each other up no matter what ... and Coco, though I am not a morning person, I am not missing not one morning walk while I am there :)

hashem said...

Coco and AM...
It's weird how we can make friends, without even meeting...
and even without seeing a picture....
a friendship based on ideas, thoughts, and mutual respect.
With you two, I feel I'm a better person...
thanx alot.

Mirvat said...

gorgeous